worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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