Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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