and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
