i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
