I want to have your abortion
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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