The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
