Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
