im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
