When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
