u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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