I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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