Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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