Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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