You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
