And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
