smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
