Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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