fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
