that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
