I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
