I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
