apparently the secret to your success is patron
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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