The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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