those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
