So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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