my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Sorry my hands just texted you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
