ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
