We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
