At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
