I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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