A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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