just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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