I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
