U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
