So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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