Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is Oprah even human
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
