She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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