I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
