yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
