You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
