i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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