I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
