do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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