this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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