ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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