you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
