You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i need some magic done to my vagina
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
