You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
