i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
