As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
