He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
third nipple confirmed
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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